The Cause of Divorce

You are being selfish.

These are words that we never want to hear in marriage, business, sport, or any other scenario for that matter. Being selfish means that you are making decisions without regard of someone else’s well-being and emotions. We disguise being selfish as “splurging” or “treating yourself,” but there are some major consequences to making decisions in ignorance of someone else’s (especially your spouse’s) feelings or well-being.

Marriages can end by Selfishness

Divorce rates are where they are due to selfishness. I really want to expound on this sentence, but I really don’t feel the need. There is no doubt that very near to 100% of marriages end due to this one characteristic. Upon reflection, I’ve come up with 3 pointers to preserve your marriage and help you become less selfish.

1. Take care of the past

Each human being on earth is attracted to something in which they don’t want to be attracted. It’s part of our nature as a fallen species to have an unGodly urge to do something that pleases our flesh but destroys us long-term. Some people made decisions as children to look at pornography, smoke cigarettes, drink beer, etc. Some people are naturally bent to get angry quickly, to manipulate or otherwise have control over external situations.

When you make a decision to choose an addictive behavior, you make the decision once but the addiction chooses you afterwards.

To combat an addiction, you must seek a counselor, seek a friend, seek wisdom from the scriptures, and don’t give up. Passionately pursue kicking the habit. Write about it. Listen to sermons about it. Share your weakness in a small-group or personal setting. People will pray for you and will know which area to see God work in your life. But you must be vulnerable enough to let the beast out of the closet in order to see these things work. Kicking an addiction without community is nearly impossible. Get people around you that love you and will hold you accountable for replacing your selfish habit with a Godly one.

2. Don’t pick up an addiction

You cannot pick up a selfish addiction and live in a happy marriage. Your personal decisions are now decisions that will either grow you closer to your spouse or tear you away from her. If your spouse does not want you to have tobacco in your mouth, then leave it and don’t return to it. If your husband does not want to you drink, then leave it. It is a waste of money, and your husband has noticed that you are becoming more addicted daily. It pulls you apart, and it takes divine intervention sometimes to pull people back together. It actually takes divine intervention to kick a habit too, which is why I am so adamant about you taking a passionate approach to kicking your habit before it alters your decision-making abilities.

3. “Don’t spend major money on minor things.” ~ Jim Rohn

Dave Ramsey’s talk-radio show teaches many married couples to live a debt-free life. Without debt, a lot of stress about the spouse’s monetary decisions decreases significantly. However, being debt-free is not the ultimate goal. The ultimate goal is being able to trust each other with monetary decisions in the absence of the other spouse. When the two of you come together as a team to eliminate debt and dream about what your future will be some day, you become selfless. Becoming selfless is a huge part of being on a team and is exactly what needs to happen for you to be in a happy marriage.

As a final note, this initial idea of selfishness destroying marriages came to me this past weekend when my wife and I attended the “Love Worth Fighting For” marriage event. There were many other great points that Kirk and Warren made, and I highly recommend you go to the conference if it is in your area anytime soon.

I was most impressed by Warren’s story-telling ability, transparency, and charisma. I think everyone in the place fell in love with him. His genuineness in telling us about his experiences with each song makes each one more meaningful, and I totally went overboard and bought both CDs (selfish right? lol).

Advertisements

Eternal Decisions

Each decision we make in life has an eternal impact. Therefore, we have to be very particular about our decisions. We have to concentrate on doing the next good deed, and continue on a path to righteousness. We must kick addictions and focus on why we are here on earth. We have to fight. We have to overcome obstacles that get in the way.

And obstacles will get in the way…

In any level of commitment, obstacles will appear. Obstacles show up sometimes because of our own actions, but sometimes they show up just because that is what God has in plan for us at the time. In this moment, we must be still. We must freeze and concentrate on what it is we are trying to accomplish. In that moment, we have to make a fatherly decision.

This is mainly a blog post for the fathers out there but can really be applied to anyone.

Let’s talk Adam and Eve:

Adam and Eve lived in Paradise. They walked and talked with God. Any of us put in that situation say to ourselves, “If I had everything, I would never…” However, we act like Adam and Eve everyday, and we live in a pretty good situation. Most of us have a house overhead, food, and the necessities of life. Then, we make decisions that tear us apart from God.

I want you to be very careful of the decisions that you make, especially if they are repeated violations. Being a father means that you transfer things down generationally, and you are raising percentages for your children or grandchildren to struggle with the very same habit that you are caught in.

It’s like a snowball effect. If you cannot destroy the snowball before it binds you and keeps you in its shackles, then the beast grows bigger. Left untreated, your life can be destroyed. The same can happen to your children. Don’t let unbroken curses flow to your next generation. Kick it out and leave it behind. Don’t let a smoking habit turn into a marijuana habit. Don’t let anger turn into abuse. Don’t let who you are in Christ be overcome by your selfishness to please the flesh.

Your example lasts for generations.

Let’s talk Jesus:

Jesus is another father of mankind that we have a joy of knowing. We see in the Bible that he was here on earth to show us how to live and love abundantly. He did not sin and leaves a perfect example for us to follow. His decisions affected those he taught. We have to trust in his willingness to love us through tough situations. We know that he was tempted, but he did not fault. He claimed His Father’s words when he was tempted. He knew his father so well and trusted that His promises were true. His father was perfect, and Jesus ultimately chose what His father would have him choose.

We must realize that our children will do the same. They will trust us because they think (at least for a while) that we are perfect. They will make decisions based on our promises and our choices. So, choose wisely.